My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
