Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
