dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
