I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
