I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Dicks are not precious.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
