I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
