shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
