I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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