Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
