I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
