the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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