a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize