Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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