i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
