I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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