My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
