that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
