In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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