The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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