u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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