I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
