pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
