the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
