Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize