I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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