You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
