John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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