If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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