hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
