a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
