There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
