First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You were trust falling into bushes
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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