why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
