the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
