My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
