I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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