She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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