Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
