Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
