i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
