i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
