everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
