so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just threw up on my dentist
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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