my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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