My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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