just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
