I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
