So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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