Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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