dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
