can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
