Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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