Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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