zippers are such a cool invention
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
