there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
don't judge my taste in strippers
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
