If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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