chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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